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Recognising and Addressing the Stages of Grief in Child Loss

Last updated on 15th January 2025

Losing a child is an unimaginable event and one of the most devastating things someone can go through. The loss of a child is a profound tragedy and can shatter the lives of parents and families and leave a permanent mark on those left behind. The pain of such a loss is unlike any other and can feel overwhelming and all-consuming. For some people, it can feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.

In 2023, there were 3,743 child deaths in England alone, an increase of 8% from the previous year. Not included in these statistics and equally devastating to parents is the number of stillbirths occurring every year, with 2,680 stillborn babies in the UK in 2022. Understanding child bereavement and how to support those going through child loss is of the utmost importance.

Navigating the grief of child loss is different than navigating other types of grief and the profound pain that accompanies child loss is like no other and can have a long-term psychological impact on the entire family. Understanding the stages of grief specific to child loss is imperative in providing the necessary support and compassion to those navigating this heartbreaking journey.

Grief in child loss

Stage 1: Denial and Shock

The first stage of grief is often characterised by denial and shock and is your body and brain’s way of trying to protect you. Denial and shock serve as a natural defence mechanism that helps parents cope with the overwhelming reality of their child’s death. In this stage, parents may struggle to accept the truth of their loss and may experience feelings of disbelief, numbness or detachment from their surroundings. This sense of unreality can create a temporary buffer, which allows them to process the traumatic event in more manageable increments.

In this first stage, some parents may find themselves clinging to the hope that their child is still alive and may expect to see them walk through the door or hear their voice. Some parents in the first stage are so numb to what has happened to them that they don’t cry and can’t begin to process what has happened. Instead, they are frozen in a sense of denial. This denial can manifest in various ways, such as avoiding discussions about the loss, pretending that nothing has changed or even searching for signs that their child might somehow return.

Navigating this first stage can be extraordinarily difficult. Some ways that family and friends can help someone in this first stage are:

Acknowledge and validate their feelings

It is essential to acknowledge and validate these feelings of denial and shock. Reassure parents that their reactions are a normal part of the grieving process and that it’s okay to feel disconnected from reality.

Provide a supportive environment

Create a safe and supportive space where parents can express their disbelief and numbness without fear of judgement. Listening with empathy and patience can help them feel understood and less isolated in their grief. It can also help them feel more comfortable in saying whatever is on their mind, regardless of how it may come across.

Encourage gradual acceptance

Gently encourage parents to confront the reality of their loss at their own pace. This might involve small steps, such as talking about their child with a trusted friend or looking at photos and memories. Emphasise that there is no right or wrong way to grieve and no timeline for grief. Each person’s journey is unique.

Offer professional support

It might be beneficial to suggest seeking the help of a grief counsellor or therapist who specialises in child loss. Professional guidance can provide parents with coping strategies and a structured environment to process their emotions. NHS support, including cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), is available either by visiting your GP or referring yourself directly.

Recognising and validating the feelings of denial and shock and providing gentle encouragement towards acceptance can help parents begin to navigate the painful and complex journey of grieving their child.

Stage 2: Anger and Guilt

The second stage of grief is marked by intense feelings of anger and guilt and can be particularly challenging for parents who have lost a child. This stage often follows the initial shock and denial and can come with powerful and conflicting emotions. Parents may find themselves struggling with anger directed towards themselves, others or even their deceased child. Additionally, feelings of guilt and self-blame can become all-encompassing, as parents question every action and decision leading up to the loss. This stage can be extremely difficult for other people, such as family members, partners, friends and any surviving children to navigate.

Anger

Parents may experience anger for various reasons. They might feel angry at other people, the world, medical professionals or a higher power for allowing their child’s death to occur. This anger can also be directed inward and manifest as guilt, self-blame, self-criticism and frustration over their perceived failures, even though they are in no way responsible. Some parents may even feel anger towards their children and struggle with feelings of abandonment or unresolved issues.

Guilt

Guilt often accompanies the anger, as parents replay the events leading up to their child’s death, wondering if they could have done something to prevent it. This self-blame can be all-consuming and can result in feelings of inadequacy and regret. Some parents experience serious mental health difficulties because of the guilt they are feeling and may find themselves having suicidal thoughts

Supporting parents through the second stage of grief can be difficult and requires compassion and patience. Some strategies that can be used are:

Encourage them to express their feelings safely

Encourage parents to express their anger and guilt in a safe and constructive manner. This could include writing in a journal, engaging in physical activity or channelling their emotions into creative outlets such as art or music. Providing a healthy way to release these intense emotions can prevent them from becoming destructive.

Seeking support from loved ones

Emphasise the importance of seeking support from trusted family members and friends. Talking about their feelings with loved ones who offer empathy and understanding can help parents feel less isolated. Support groups specifically for grieving parents can also provide a sense of community and shared experience.

Practising self-compassion and forgiveness

Encourage parents to practise self-compassion and remind them that it is normal to feel a wide range of emotions after such a significant loss. They should be gentle with themselves and recognise that feelings of anger and guilt are part of the grieving process. Forgiving themselves for perceived mistakes or shortcomings or simply for still being alive when their child is not can be a crucial step towards healing.

Professional help

Suggest seeking the assistance of a grief counsellor or therapist who specialises in child loss. Professional guidance can provide parents with tools and strategies to navigate their complex emotions and work towards healing. There are also a number of resources and organisations that are dedicated to supporting people who have experienced child bereavement.

By exploring and addressing the intense feelings of anger and guilt, parents can begin to process their grief in a healthier way. Supporting them through this stage with empathy and understanding is essential in helping them move forward on their journey of healing.

Stages of grief in child loss

Stage 3: Bargaining and Depression

This stage of grief is characterised by bargaining and depression and can be a deeply emotional and challenging time for parents who have lost a child. This phase often involves a complex interplay of wishing for a different reality and confronting the devastation that accompanies the realisation of their irreversible loss.

Bargaining

During the bargaining stage, parents may find themselves trying to negotiate with a higher power, fate or the universe, wishing for their child’s return or for events to have unfolded differently. They may fixate on ‘what if’ scenarios and express thoughts such as, “If only I had done this differently”, or “I would give anything to have my child back”. This stage reflects a deep desire to regain control and undo the loss.

Depression

As the realisation sets in that no amount of bargaining can change their reality, parents often experience profound sadness and depression that feels impossible to escape from. This stage is marked by intense sorrow, hopelessness and a feeling of emptiness. The weight of their loss can make it difficult to find joy or motivation in everyday life and parents may withdraw from social interactions and activities they once enjoyed.

When supporting parents through this stage, it is essential to do so with empathy, validation and reassurance. Some ways to offer support are:

Be empathetic and validate their feelings

Offer empathetic listening and validate the feelings of parents during this stage. Reassure them that their thoughts of bargaining and the deep sadness they feel are natural responses to such a significant loss. Let them know that it is okay to express their grief and that their emotions, both positive and negative, are a normal part of the healing process.

Encourage open expression

Encourage parents to openly express their thoughts and feelings. This can be through talking with a trusted friend or family member, writing in a journal or participating in a support group. Creating an outlet for their emotions can help them process their grief more effectively.

Provide reassurance

Remind parents that their feelings of sadness and depression are part of the grieving process and that it is okay to seek help. Encourage them to take one day at a time and to be patient with themselves as they navigate their grief.

Seek professional support

Suggest that parents consider professional support from a grief counsellor or therapist. A mental health professional can provide coping strategies and support tailored to their unique needs and help them manage their depression and work through their grief.

Promote self-care

Encourage parents to engage in self-care activities, even if they are small steps. This can include taking walks, practising yoga, mindfulness or meditation or engaging in hobbies they once enjoyed. Self-care can provide moments of relief and help build resilience.

By offering empathy, validation and reassurance, we can support parents through the difficult stages of bargaining and depression. Helping them understand that their feelings are a natural part of the grieving process is crucial in their journey towards healing and finding a way to live with their loss.

Stage 4: Acceptance and Meaning-Making

The final stage of grief, acceptance and meaning-making, represents a significant shift in the grieving process for parents who have lost a child. This stage is marked by the gradual integration of the loss into their lives, finding a way to live with the pain and discovering new meaning and purpose despite their profound grief.

Acceptance

Acceptance does not imply that parents are ‘over’ the loss of their child or that they have moved on from it. Instead, it means they have reached a point where they can acknowledge the reality of their child’s death and begin to adjust to a new way of living. It can be thought of as moving forward, rather than moving on. Acceptance involves understanding that life will never be the same and their loss will always be there, but also recognising that life can still hold meaning and joy.

Meaning-making

In this stage, parents may start to seek ways to honour their child’s memory and find meaning in their life and death. This can include engaging in activities that reflect their child’s passions, creating memorials, participating in charity work, helping other parents struggling with grief or simply incorporating their child’s memory into daily life. Meaning-making allows parents to keep their child’s spirit alive and can provide a sense of purpose and direction.

When supporting parents through this final stage of grief, it can be helpful to:

Offer support and encouragement

Offer ongoing support and encouragement as parents navigate this stage. Recognise that acceptance is a deeply personal process and that each parent’s journey will look different. Encourage them to explore what acceptance means to them and to move forward at their own pace.

Help them to honour the child’s memory

Suggest ways parents can honour their child’s memory, such as creating a scrapbook, planting a tree, establishing a scholarship fund or participating in events that were meaningful to their child. These acts can provide comfort and a sense of connection.

Help them to find new purpose

Encourage parents to seek new purposes or passions that can bring fulfilment and a sense of contribution. This might involve volunteering, pursuing hobbies or engaging in community activities. Finding a new purpose can help parents create a meaningful life despite their loss.

Continuing bonds

Emphasise that acceptance does not mean forgetting their child. Instead, it involves finding a new way to maintain a bond with their child while continuing to live. Parents can keep their child’s memory alive through ongoing remembrance, creating traditions, such as visiting the child’s favourite place every year, and creating tributes, such as planting trees, placing a remembrance bench, wearing a special piece of jewellery or getting a tribute tattoo.

Professional support

Remind parents that seeking professional support can be beneficial at any stage of grief. Grief counsellors and therapists can provide strategies for meaning-making and acceptance and help parents navigate their feelings and find a path forward.

By supporting parents through the stage of acceptance and meaning-making, we can help them find a way to live with their loss while honouring their child’s memory. Recognising that acceptance is about integrating the loss into their lives rather than moving on is important and can help you offer compassionate and effective support.

Addressing grief in child loss

Conclusion

Navigating the stages of grief in child loss is an incredibly complex and deeply personal journey. Every parent deals with this grief differently and is on a different journey with no fixed timeline. Recognising and addressing each stage, denial and shock, anger and guilt, bargaining and depression and acceptance and meaning-making, with empathy and understanding is crucial in providing the support grieving parents need. 

In the initial stage of denial and shock, parents may experience disbelief and numbness, struggling to accept the reality of their child’s death. As they move into the stage of anger and guilt, intense emotions can arise, including resentment and self-blame. The bargaining and depression stage often follows, marked by attempts to negotiate a different reality and the profound sadness of confronting the finality of their loss. Finally, in the acceptance and meaning-making stage, parents begin to integrate their loss into their lives and find ways to honour their child’s memory.

Throughout this journey, it is essential to provide ongoing support and validation to parents. Encouraging open expression of their emotions, offering a compassionate presence and helping them find new meaning and purpose are key components of this support. Understanding that acceptance does not mean forgetting but rather finding a new way to live with the loss is vital.

Family and friends are encouraged to extend compassion, patience and support to individuals and families who have experienced the loss of a child. Your presence and understanding can make a meaningful difference in their healing process, offering strength, hope and comfort as they navigate their grief.

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About the author

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Nicole Murphy

Nicole graduated with a First-Class Honours degree in Psychology in 2013. She works as a writer and editor and tries to combine all her passions - writing, education, and psychology. Outside of work, Nicole loves to travel, go to the beach, and drink a lot of coffee! She is currently training to climb Machu Picchu in Peru.