Strategies for Parents Coping with the Loss of a Child

It is difficult to imagine anything more profoundly heartbreaking than the loss of a child. This type of devastating loss may feel almost impossible to navigate and for most parents it may seem almost impossible to even comprehend. 

Sadly, according to the National Child Mortality Database (NCMD) in the year ending 31 March 2023, there were 3,743 child (aged 0-17) deaths recorded in England and infant deaths (under one year old) accounted for more than half of these. The total number was an 8% rise from the previous year and the highest number recorded since the NCMD began collecting data in 2019. The leading causes of child deaths worldwide include accidents, cancer and suicide. 

Each young life that is taken far too soon leaves behind devastated family members and friends struggling as they try to navigate their way through their grief. We understand that there are no words that can lessen the sense of loss and trauma that come with losing an infant or child; however, we have put this article together to outline some strategies that may help you learn to cope with your new reality. 

We hope that reading this article will help you to feel less alone and may reassure you that even though the pain is likely to never fully go away, you may be able to learn to live with it.

Acknowledging and Expressing Grief 

Grief is a complex and sometimes overwhelming feeling that is experienced after someone has died. Grief and trauma can have a profound effect on a person mentally, physically, emotionally and socially. Gender and social norms sometimes discourage us from expressing our feelings; if we cry or show our vulnerability, we may have been made to feel that there is something wrong with us – which is not the case. Letting ourselves acknowledge and express our emotions during the grieving process is absolutely fundamental to our wellbeing. 

Grief is sometimes discussed as occurring in five stages. The five stages of grief are considered to be:

• Denial – feelings of numbness and disbelief are common in the days or weeks after a loss. Initially we may try to go on as if the event hasn’t happened, as if acknowledging it makes it real.
• Anger – death can seem cruel and unfair and it is common to feel angry that we have lost someone or angry at ourselves for not doing things differently.
• Bargaining – it is common to feel a lot of ‘what if’ questions when we are grieving. We may also start to make bargains with ourselves (or a higher power) that if we do certain things we will feel differently or things will get better.
• Depression – sadness and depression are some of the most common feelings associated with grief. Life can feel like it has lost its meaning when we are grieving and we may question whether we want to go on living. These feelings can be overwhelming and very frightening.
• Acceptance – during intense grief we may feel like nothing will ever get better again. However, with time and other interventions (such as therapy) usually we learn to live with what has happened, although we never ‘get over’ it.

The five-stage model was made popular by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who published the book On Death and Dying in 1969. Most of us who have experienced grief know it is not that simple and does not fit into this neat little framework. In fact, Kubler-Ross herself acknowledged that grief is a non-linear process and each of the five stages can occur in any order. Not everyone experiences grief in the same way and some of us may not experience each stage. Some stages of the grieving process may last significantly longer than others.

Grief can also come and go in waves and, sometimes, even long after the event, something can trigger our emotions and we may start to experience parts of the grieving process all over again.

Grief encompasses a range of emotions and may leave us feeling:

• Sad
• Angry
• Guilty
• Numb
• Hollow
• Pointless

A sense of depersonalisation can also accompany grief and trauma; it may feel as if nothing is real, we are not real or we are in the wrong reality as our brain struggles to process the complex range of emotions we are experiencing. 

Physical symptoms of grief include:

• Lack of appetite/overeating
• Weight loss/gain
• Stomach and chest pains
• Tightness in the chest
• Tiredness and lack of energy
• Problems sleeping
• Crying and sobbing
• Shouting, yelling or hitting things

When we are grieving, we may be more inclined to partake in risky behaviour to make us feel better, or just to make us feel something. This includes getting drunk, taking drugs, having casual sex, doing things that are out of character or purposely putting ourselves in dangerous situations. It is important to try to connect with more positive coping mechanisms to help you deal with your feelings, such as seeking support from others. 

Seeking Support and Connection

Grief can be especially difficult for children to cope with. If you have lost a child and the child had siblings, they may struggle not only with the loss of their brother or sister, but also with seeing their parents so upset. Try to include them in an age-appropriate way in the grieving process and find books, stories or other ways to explain death and grief to them that don’t leave them scared or traumatised. Remember, your surviving children still need to feel cared for and safe – if you have family members or friends who can look after them in those early days then you should allow them to. This will give you some time to collect yourself whilst not having the responsibility of parenting for a brief moment.  

Grief can bring families together or tear them apart so it is really important to maintain a strong connection with loved ones around you, even if at times you want to just curl up and disappear. Needing alone time is healthy but don’t push loved ones away at this difficult time. 

Religious or spiritual people may find speaking to their priest or other religious leader helps them. Sometimes grief can bring people back to their religion, even after many years away, as they find comfort in the sense of peace, belonging and community that comes with being part of a religious group. 

People may also find it helps to seek support from those who understand what they are going through such as:

• Bereavement support groups
• Charity organisations
• Grief cafes
• Therapists
• Accessing resources such as books or podcasts about living with grief

If you feel that the grief you are experiencing is completely overwhelming or you have significant feelings of wanting to harm yourself or others, there is no shame in getting professional help. You can speak to your GP about any concerns you have about your mental health and they can signpost you to help and support. If you are having unhelpful and intrusive thoughts, you may benefit from trying talking therapy. For depression or anxiety, your GP may prescribe medication, although it is important to note that there is some research out there that suggests antidepressants actually make grief worse. 

If someone is experiencing a mental health crisis, call 999 for urgent, emergency assistance.

Honouring the Child’s Memory

The first way parents usually choose to honour their child’s memory is at their funeral or memorial. A funeral can be a significant marker in the grief journey and is often where the loss begins to feel more ‘real’. 

Many parents want to make their child’s funeral a celebration of life, where their friends and family wear bright colours and share memories of the child that has been lost. Some parents may prefer a more sombre or simple send-off, while others may select a funeral and burial in line with their traditional, cultural or religious beliefs. Ultimately, the way a parent chooses to mark the passing of their child is entirely their choice. 

It is really important when you have lost a child to do what is right for you; there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Some people may, for example, keep their child’s bedroom as it was for years after their death, whilst others may want to clear everything out quickly, possibly donating it to good causes. Some people will want to talk about their lost child and put their pictures all over the house; others may find this too painful and prefer to quietly reflect.

Anyone who has lost a child will keep them in their heart forever. For many people, they also want a physical way to honour their child’s memory, such as keepsakes, performing rituals or hosting memorials. 

Some ways to honour the memory of a lost child include:

• Creating a photo book
• Planting a memorial garden
• Planning a public vigil or event
• Family celebrations of special milestones or occasions
• Having a painting done
• Tying ribbons in their favourite colours around the house
• Keepsake cushions or teddy bears made from their clothes
• Making a donation to charity in their name
• Lighting a candle on the anniversary of their death
• Taking part in charity events in their memory

Grieving parents may find power in creating a legacy for their child by creating a foundation, scholarship or community organisation in their name. When a child dies in extremely tragic or preventable circumstances, such as due to murder or knife crime, sometimes parents decide to advocate for legal or policy changes in the child’s name. This is done as a way to create a positive legacy out of the tragedy and to try to prevent other children from experiencing the same fate. 

You can also honour your child in a private way. Some parents may find some moments of comfort in reflecting on their child’s short life and the things they achieved; they may enjoy scrolling through pictures of them on social media, looking through old photo albums or talking about happy or silly memories of them with other family members. 

Once the grief has become less overwhelming, you may start to find that you will experience little things during the course of your day that remind you of your child and you will be able to smile once again. This might be their favourite song coming on the radio, a butterfly landing on a flower or a white feather dancing in the breeze. The most important place you will ever honour the memory of your child is in your memories and inside your heart.

Nurturing Self-Care and Resilience

After the loss of a child, your own self-care may take a backseat to your grief. You may lose interest in looking after your health, wellbeing or hygiene and see little value in continuing with mundane tasks like housework or paying bills. 

Even though you may not feel like it, you need to take care of yourself to keep your mind and body strong and resilient, even at this difficult time. It is normal to not feel like eating or to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol when grieving; however, in the long term this will do more harm than good. 

• Try to eat (preferably something healthy and balanced) even if you do not feel like it
• Sleep whenever you can and rest in between – grief can leave us exhausted
• Do something that relaxes you, such as having a warm, bubble bath or hot shower
• Go out and get fresh air – even if all you want to do is hide indoors under a blanket, going for a walk and breathing in fresh air will boost you mentally and physically
• Look after your health, take your medications and go to medical appointments
• Reach out to your support network
• Try to get back into a routine if this helps you
• Practise saying some kind words to yourself
• Don’t feel pressurised to go back to work until you are ready

Some parents find that going on with their lives and trying to be the best person they can be, rather than falling to pieces, is a way of honouring their lost little one. The death of a loved one and the grief that follows can sometimes put our own lives into perspective and may spur us on to make radical changes. 

Some parents find themselves at a precipice after their child dies and may decide to make huge life decisions such as getting a divorce, having a complete career change, moving to a new location or even having another baby. Although these decisions may be completely valid, you should give yourself some time to process your grief before making any big life changes.

Remember, grief is irrational and death is not something you can reason with. You will drive yourself to distraction trying to rationalise your situation; instead, allow yourself to feel how you feel and take the journey one moment at a time, one breath at a time.

Conclusion 

Nothing can seem more unfair than losing your child. Everyone experiences grief differently, but it is perfectly normal to have overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger, guilt and unfairness if your child dies. There is no way to completely dispel these feelings, but there are strategies you can use to start to move on and live some semblance of a life, albeit not the life you expected. These strategies include honouring your child’s memory, practising self-care and finding comfort in connection.